Bad Hand

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 The bad cards include divorce and abandonment. I don't know if I ever felt that as a kid but it is true. I guess it isn't about whether I felt it but more about the reality of it. I did not know the words to express what I felt. 

My childhood was pretty good despite being raised by a single mom. I had loving grandparents along with aunts, uncles and cousins who we saw quite often. Now I know that Bebe and Bare frequently helped mom financially during those hard years. I never knew it. Mom had a positive attitude and now that I know she was dealing with her own pain, it makes it even more amazing that she stayed so positive. Dad was an alcoholic until 40yo I think. When we visited him while he was still drinking, I think we must have stayed with Grandma and Grandpa Cook. I don't really remember much about it. I do know that I longed for my parents to get back together but it would never happen. I do recall he came to Michigan for Christmas when I was in 6th grade. He got drunk at the hotel every night (I imagine). This might have been the turning point in his life. Soon after he got sober and went back to school. Having a single mom was hard but she provided for us and I never knew how tough things were. Bringing Dave into the house created another difficult adjustment. 

I think I was impressed with my Dad's good looks, fancy cars, and pretty women. This must have sunk into my head. Somewhere along the line I got it in my head that physical looks were really important and I learned how to manipulate with my body or specifically sex. It was not something I particularly enjoyed in the moment but the dopamine hit of the chase filled a need. That leads me to undiagnosed ADHD. I don't think I needed any drugs for it, but I wish I had known how to deal with it. I now understand that my sexual promiscuity was a result of both single mom, seeking attention and love, ADHD chasing dopamine, filling a void. This led to me choosing the bad cards. 

From being dealt a tough hand to choosing to continue playing bad cards was my error. I guess being a girl of a single mom puts me in the statistic that I would be more sexually active. Nobody told me this was the plan but I followed it. 

At some point I lost my innocence. It was fairly young maybe 3rd or 4th grade. Maybe it was when Dad was having sex in the bed next me when I was 9 or 10. It made me sick. Literally sick. 

Why was I so open to sex? Why did I want to push these limits at such a young age? Alcohol was always involved as well. Donny would buy coolers and we would go off to Jeff's house and make out. There were others but what in the world was I thinking! ugh. I hate to even think about it when I see my kids. However Cannon was always more interested in girls and sex. He was assaulted, abused, exposed to porn...I really don't know but his innocence was stolen too. 

I am amazed that after all my stupid actions, Tucker is still here with me. I should be alone. Everyone should leave me because I am freaking stupid, crazy, and foolish. I hate that I drink during the afternoons. It is never about getting drunk. It is about the experience of the drink with the food and relaxing like I am living the life but getting drunk sort of. It take a lot now. I never would have imagined this life. I am lonely and bored but 

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