Tuesday March 14, 2023 what's next?

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 Last weekend was busy and I did not come out with flying colors. Basically I spent my time driving back and forth from FA to the mountains. Watching both of Campbell's SL runs was awesome. It broke my heart that she did not finish her first run that was going to be a top 20! Ugh. Her GS was not good (50+)


Black codes were not another form of slavery. Black codes restricted rights but it was not another form of slaver. Not only black people were affected by these codes, but white people could also not hire black people who might have worked for a lower wage. 

If we fly in on Thursday June 1

I am horrible to mom. Did I feel this way before finding out about Nancy? I don't think so. I did not blame everything on my upbringing. Now that I see there was an option-adoption-I see that things could have been better. Yes, adoptees always wonder about their birth parents but children of single parents who never get involved know that they were abandoned. They know their story so they can't imagine some ridiculous story about who their parents are and why they left them. 

I told mom that she is not responsible for any of Nancy's success and that if mom had raised her she would be as fucked up as Andrew and Me. On the positive side Andrew and I had children while Nancy, Kacey, and Alex are barren. I find that a terrible story. I might be nutty but I have been productive. I don't think it is God's judgement.

Growing up I never blamed Mom and Dad's divorce for my problems. Maybe that's because I now understand the devastating effects of divorce and blame my underlying rage on the early pain I suffered. My inability to deeply connect with people could also come from distrust. 

I am not even sure how to proceed. 

Now I am thinking that I am crazy because of the alcohol. It can reshape the brain and lead to brain changes. If I could be sober for 90 hours 3.75 days so if I stop drinking at 6pm Sunday-Thursday dinner, I could see if there are changes. It is something that I have to do. At least I need to cut back. One thing I have cut back on is coffee. 

Why don't I feel terrible? Well I do but then there is a part of me that feels that Mom deserves the scorn because of what she did but here I am the one who had an abortion. I would have had a baby at a young age if not for medical interventions which I hate. I blame mom for me even being in that situation. I should not have been allowed to have that type of a relationship so young but who was going to stop me? I mean mom came from a good home with two parents and she did what she did? There is no rationale. I am sure when I told Grandma Cook about the baby and the marriage that she knew about mom and that Dad knew about mom. Never through all of this did mom ever stop to think it might be a good idea to tell us about her past? 

I have to just let it go. Maybe I should 

Why don't people see that we are already at war? The first shots were Covid followed by the stolen election and then the attack on the morality with the gay junk. Putting these men in dresses into high positions? Ugh. Our military has been gutted and the only hope is for a militia to arise to combat the 

we now only have $51000 to cash out. That is tough but if markets collapse that amount will be closer to 0! well what happened with the $100,000 we have already taken out? The penalty is $20000 so we got about $80,000 over a few years and those were the Covid years of making almost nothing. We survived. Sad to say but that is the way it was. We did not lose our house, the kids continued to ski, and we are short on our retirement. I imagine this house will be worth enough to keep us afloat. 

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