Pennebaker #2

 Attending Tucker's races has me stressed out. It is not just any race but Proctor. During my melt down and desperation of finding a job for me and a ski academy for the kids I applied for a job at Proctor and then when I did not get the job I got pissy and asked what they were looking for in an applicant. I was angry. I said talk to the Charleston's do a check. Was that before I melted down about masks? Yes, I am sure it was. That was just another trigger. So proctor represents failure for me. Then there is the layout of the place. Nothing nearby, no real lodge just watching 260 racers in the cold. My panic is regarding Tucker melting down. What will I do? What will people think? I can't control Tucker and his outburst if it happens. It puts me on high alert and panic mode. When he melts down it triggers my failures and that it is all my fault so then I feel responisble for treating him so terribly when he did not do well or when he overreacted to dnf or not doing well. I don't have the words to help him through it. I have a fear of the unknown. Where will I go, who will I see, what do I do? The fact is that Tucker had a good race at Proctor until he did the ballet dance move and had to hike but damn it he hiked. Then he ran DFL and that was tough. BUT he did not melt down. Right now I am shaking thinking about going to Proctor. I do not want to go. I don't want to see some of those parents and tucker's outbursts are a direct reflection of me. I can hear it...well you know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree did you hear what Amy did? Yes, she is an alcoholic who went screaming after school kids. They took her to jail...maybe, I think. And oh well she tried to get a job at Proctor and they dodged a bullet there then she sent an email telling them they were assholes for not hiring her and calling them woke. What did you do hire a black gay woman migrant with no education? Why am I always the victim? thinking about the race brings back the last time I was at a race with Tucker. It was Eastern Finals and although he wasn't winning everything he had a solid performance. His super G result really upset him. He broke his award cup and hid in the bathroom during awards. How embarrassing for who? Am I even thinking about the emotional let down of that moment? How he must have felt? he was in the bathroom hiding from the shame and embarrassment he felt. I don't even know if he went out for the award. He was not happy with 6th place. Then came Lacrosse season and more of the melt downs. We said he would get therapy or work with the school counselor and just like Cannon there was no follow through. I can't safe everyone. I am working on myself. I guess I do not trust Tucker to take care of things. All the shit with Cannon comes up again and it is "here we go again" again. ski racing since January 2022 has been anxiety provoking. Life since that month has been tough. Tucker was so upset by the interview at NHS and then the race and it just kept getting stressful. he got covid at the Stratton Project then it was one thing after another. He was worn out emotionally. He had such a high at WV when he won both SL races to get a 1st place. Then came Easterns where he was #23 to get in and Can-Ams he was not happy. That day he was pouting and carrying on and I just lost it on him. That is my fear. That I will over react to him wallowing and it will cause more damage. I love this kid and I know what he is capable of...I just wish he could relax and let it happen. Ha that is my issue. Just trust. There is an insecurity to both of us. Campbell says I love him more but it is out of a desire to protect him that I am so easy on him forgiving of him...not sure what it is. I know things have been hard for him with Winter Term kids and boys can be tough on each other. Then I wonder what everybody is saying about Tucker Barnaby. he is getting a reputation. Now I have two boys I can't talk about? I used to feel that way with Cannon. I could never proudly say my son is Cannon for fear that someone would tell me he molested their kid or that he is a bad boy. Tucker has a temper but it is more than that it is an inflexibility and a perfectionist tendency that must have originated with us I guess. Always bragging about how smart he is, what a great skier he is. I just feel like a failure as a parent because he can be a braggart and show off but also blow up and angry. Being forced to do the thing that scares me like something terrible is going to happen and I do not want to be there to see it. There were terrible times I tried to hide from. having Jane make the call to PP because I couldn't handle the truth. Waking up to the knowledge that I was raped and just running to avoid thinking about it. Sitting in church on Mother's day in Jenison crying because I knew I had killed two lives. I was alone. I could never go to mom because she was busy with her new family and Bebe told us not to make any trouble or cause conflict with mom and Dave. I am sure abandonment and neglect were part of my childhood. Mom did all she could. She did her best but it does not make up for growing up without my father or the fact that Mom sent me to GA to visit and stay with an alcoholic man who we barely knew. Being beaten for peeing the bed. Andrew telling neighborhood kids that I peed the bed. I imagine he also saw me on the couch and he probably told people about that. There was no privacy or safety in my house. I had to withdraw futher and become aloof because I did not feel safe. Of course I did not know any of this and I am ashamed of the things I have done. The constant shame and fear of being found out. Mom holding my diary asking me personal questions or just things that were inappropriate. She was trying to form a relationship at a time when I was angry that she had remarried and my prayer for Mom and Dad to reunite was destroyed. The crying in bed at night praying for them to reunite sticks in my mind. Waiting and wondering. Going to GA or FL to be with a drunk who could be vastly different from one day to the next. He would hang out in his room and shut the door while we were in the living room watching tv. It always made me anxious but we would just go play. Asking questions got you in trouble. Then Dad would leave us a list of chores to do while he was at work. We always wondered why he had us come to visit at all. Fear of the unknown is causing me panic. I don't know what will happen at Tuckers race, I don't know how he will do or how he will feel about things. I don't know the location. I was left at a movie theater and hid under a car. I was left alone with a babysitter who did something to me. I peed in the heat vent because I was afraid to leave my room. There was no safety in my house. I do not have a recollection but mom confirmed something happened when she said the sheets were not right. Why did she do that? Why did she leave us with some young kid? There are so many things that boil my blood. It is up to me to stop the generational hurt and sin. It caused me to detach. I shut down. Andrew could not be trusted. My mom could not be trusted. She would do the same thing...and tell people about me or overshare information that was personal. How could I go to her about my problems? Plus Bebe said not to bother her and be good.  My emotions were shut off. I did not want to feel or let anyone see that anything they did hurt me. Why is this all coming back now? Because that day when Tucker walked into the bathroom and told me he lost his job, everything changed. Pile on a horrible winter term, and covid and a stolen election and you have the perfect storm for panic attacks or disclosure of trauma. I love Tucker. I hurt him and I do not know if he will ever forgive me. Wasn't that a rock bottom? Was it rock bottom when I passed out and couldn't pick up Cannon from loon? Was it rock bottom when I yelled at kids in my yard and at the school for wearing masks? I remember that anxious feeling. My entire body was buzzing. It was horrible. I hope that is not how Tucker feels.