Pennebaker #3

 Protect myself

Project emotions

desire to control when all I want is to trust 

abandonment issues 

Tucker insecurity

When you are insecure, you think you know what the other person thinks or feels. 

reach out to a friend? I don't have any. Here I am without a friend nearby. I have Sheri who has been around forever! Even with our arguments we are still friends because we know we are both messed up. 

How about family? Well Tucker's family has never talked to me much even when they tried to flop molly at our house. Why wouldn't Linda talk to me? 

What makes you feel better? What can you do today to feel better? 

Up at night wondering if Tucker will melt down again. Worrying that he is feeling anxious about the season. Knowing that he is happy he got to to Austria and ski with friends. On that day back in January when Tucker got into the car and yelled that he was done ski racing, I froze. What do you do when your child is hurting and shutting down because they simply dnf'd the course? it was not that big of a deal but he saw it as failure. As we drove away to get perspective Tucker called and told us everyone else dnf'd also because they were all super charged and ready to blow through the course. It made Tucker feel better like he was in good company. The issue was that he had to return to apologize and talk to the finish ref because he had sworn very loudly. I remember it. There was cloud cover and all you could hear were three gates smashed and then quiet and then FFFUUUCCCKKK! Not good. He went back and faced the music but the entire time I was sitting there anxious as hell. You can't yell or fight with him you just have to sit with him. It made me feel the same as that day Tucker told me he lost his job. My stomach knotted up and I wanted to hide and cover my ears. He recovered and we thought he was all set but it was just the beginning of a string of melt downs over dumb stuff. The next one was at the Kanc. Again he had high hopes of a win but went into too straight. What really pissed him off was that his ski side thing came off so he couldn't get back around the gate so he couldn't even hike to get a slower time. He had learned to go and hide with his meltdown and he did try but the Kanc is fully exposed. Again you can't talk to the kid when he is in that state. He walked home in his ski boots. Some coaches told Tucker that was great he really was intense and wanted to win but that is just not sustainable and it was killing him. Once again he arrived home and Cannon was sitting here. We looked at him and I asked if he was ready to go back and talk to Aaron. Yes, and we went back. He had to humble himself again and apologize for his actions. Aaron and Marcus told him they were concerned about him. Is he ok? That day had been so hard with the visit to NHS and a whole new life staring him in the face. Now I know that Tucker can't handle dreaming of new things. he likes stability and regularity in his life. Losing a job, losing winter term, possibilities of a new school were all too much for him at that time. My heart hurt for him but I was also losing my mind. After several times of holding back and being understanding I lost it. I don't recall when but there were times I just gave up on patience and yelled at him to stop being a baby. It is not that big of a deal but I now see it was not the dnf itself but his self image that was shot. God I miss my little boy. I do wonder what is different about him. He has always had a tough time with flexibility he wants to do what he wants to do and when he gets stuck on it he can't move forward or away from it. Like the time he was 5 and I told him to put his coat on. When he finally changed his heart and accepted my instructions, he hugged me and loved me. That is the boy I want. I must remember that Tucker reacts to me. If I am calm it helps him remain calm. That is why I worry that being at races won't be good for him. I want to be there cheering for him but I don't know how to act if he does well or not so well. I am always anxious waiting for the shoe to drop. He is more mature but my last experience was melt down. I feel responsible because his January-March meltdowns were preceded by my school raging incident in September 2021. He was mortified that I would act like that in public and then for me to yell and scream and put down Sam and the Weeden clan only hurt him more. To think that your parent does not accept your friends hurts. What all this comes down to is that my anxiety is about me. It is that I do not trust myself. I am worried about Tucker but ultimately it is up to him to work on composure. Me too! I don't remember being super nervous or nervous at all in high school sports. It was more about the team and excitement or well now I have to run or swim. It was low key. As I got older, I began to really get nervous. Before my speech at Union for the soccer team I was a nervous wreck, I had to go first. Then at NHS Beedy recognized that I was about to die if I did not get the presentation over with but there I was at NHS after pushing my way through the door. Rather than letting things happen, I force it. Then I am stuck feeling embarrassed for my actions. I can't deny that alcohol is to blame for many of these things. Isolation is another thing that I can blame. Weiser told me it is better to be open and that is one thing I prefer not to do. Why was I afraid to tell the parents the truth about their kids performance? I felt like it was a reflection of me? I accepted their poor performance? I am not sure. Back to Tucker. Can I trust him? Can I give him space to do his thing without the weight of so much money spent and I want a return for all the sacrifices we have made for you? That is what killed him last season. Sam beat him in the early race at Cannon and I let loose on how could you let him beat you? We never should have spent all that money on winter term. What a waste blah blah drink drink scream and yell throw a fit. Rather than seeing it for what it was...Holderness had been on snow at least 4 weeks longer than MWV and this was Tucker's first race of the season. That would have been the best. Make it fun and release the pressure. Maybe I can return to Tucker's 3 words about ski racing-Fast, Fun, Friends. I need to start looking at the truth and stop acting like a child (the one who puts all his eggs in one basket). He had a solid season last year. This year he is on the devo team, heading to RPS project, went to Austria, and is making great friends with kids on the team and in school. That is success. I am looking at the glass half empty when it is really full. The only thing that didn't pan out last year was Easterns. Big deal. Low SL points, a podium in SL and a win in Super G is pretty awesome! Last night I slept well and I felt more at ease about the season. I have to accept that if Tucker is done he will walk away and do the prep team. It is his life and his choice. This is not my thing to worry about. We provide the opportunity and he gets to decide what to do with it. No more talking about it and no more pressure. i know that I have ruined skiing for my family in many ways. it is lonely and hard. Each time I have asked for my needs like help getting them to the mountain, or that I am alone doing everything, I get hold on. Just wait. There comes a time when you can wait no longer. Yes, Tucker is responsible for his actions but I play a role in creating the environment. I want a positive healthy environment that will help the kids take risks and grow. I can do this. I see my fear is irrational but shaped by my past experiences. I need to love Tucker. I can be honest with people. They do not know his story or our story. They don't care. I need to care. I need to support him. Although I wish he had been able to continue counseling maybe that little bit helped him. He is super aware of his actions but he can't stop them.