Pennebaker #4

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 I am thinking about Paul today. Why aren't we looking for Paul? That is a missing link in my life and I would imagine that Mom wants to know although she has not pursue more information. If you were raped and you had the child it is like an abortion. You gave life to the child but you are not wondering where that kid is at? it only increases my 

I don't trust anyone with my children. Tucker's outbursts were a reaction to me and my victimhood at that time. He heard all the things I was saying and yelling about these stupid rich people who have all the opportunities and dumb people in town. It created in him a distrust and anger. The worst thing I fear with Tucker's meltdowns is the embarrassment and judgement that might be targeted at me. What a horrible parent. You know she is unstable. She has a drinking problem. Even worse than people judging me is people judging Tucker. Knowing these other people are judging me but yet I sit/sat here in judgement every night assuming I knew what everyone else was thinking. Repeat to myself: Their opinion about me is none of my business. Just keep repeating that and knowing that we are trying to do what is right for us. Understand that Tucker is trying to deal with his frustration and learn to be composed. I guess I took out my frustration on Tucker because obviously I did not display composure during the mask debates. 

Each time Tucker was not selected or included in something it only reinforced my feelings of being excluded and unliked. When Tucker was picked on by Marcus it made me furious. Why am I always the parent who is willing to see that their child did the wrong thing? Why am I the adult that understands children are not always honest and that Sam B is a liar who gets away with underhanded things because he is small. Nothing during that time was simple. Everything came back to the world against me...actually the entire Tucker melt down came back to me. I was hurting every relationship. I can't even put into perspective or a timeline when everything happened. It seems like yesterday or an eternity ago. Definitely it was his 8th grade year that I yelled at kids at the school, melted down at board meetings, and flew off the handle regarding Cannon coming home. The anxiety and fear were unbearable top it off with shame and guilt. there it is...all wrapped up in a mess. 

What if all my fears come true about Tucker melting down? What if he has a bad run and throws his poles? I will be ok, he will be ok. It might happen but he has matured and he is working toward not reacting with aggression and frustration. He is learning coping strategies. My last race experience with him was at Easterns last year. We weren't even sure he would go to the races because he thought he deserved better. He was embarrassed about not making it to Easterns. His reaction made other kids who also were upset they didn't make it feel bad. What is that emotional intelligence that helps you see where you are with respect to others? A small victory is that he showed up. He dnf'd run 1 on SL then he went home. He recovered in the GS and had one of his best runs of the year to get 4th place. Not bad. Then the super G. He got 6th place and was very upset. 

GS 1st place Lincoln had a great race. 2-4 combined were 2:11.01, 2:11.66, 2:11.71 that is impressive. You have to know that it was tight. 

SG similar thing. Tucker was so tight that he could barely ski. He was not free. His tightness caused him to slow down but the racers in front of him are all great racers. Liam does well in SG when he finishes and Merrik has been right up there all year. Luca had a good finals and scotty would have loved to been higher up in the list. Tucker lacks respect for his competition. Whereas Merrik turned his frustration into determination, Tucker turned his frustration into freeze mode. Rather than getting after it, he went for the safety. That second could have been in the start, or on a turn, regardless in a race stacked with great athletes you have to bring your A game. These guys are good. 

Merrik-55.11, 

Lincoln 55.49 ,

Liam 55.71 ,

Declan 56.18 ,

Luca 56.31

Tucker 56.41

Is my fear founded? Yes. Past history has shown me Tucker can act out when he is frustrated. Is it ok? Yes. It will be ok. Can Tucker learn how to handle himself? Yes. 

The thing that would be the best way for him to not be frustrated is to see clearly that his competition is good. They are all skiing full time and training hard. They all want to win. He needs to be gracious. Just because he has beat them in the past does not mean he will beat them again. The underdog 

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