Pennebaker writing #1

 Write about something you are thinking about or worrying about way too much – or – if you don’t have anything that fits that, choose something you are dreaming about at night or something affecting your life too much in ways you don’t like

11. write for 15-30 minutes honestly write for 4 consecutive days about the same experience

Think about three things before you start writing: (1) facts related to experience; (2) emotions felt at the time of experience and now; (3) write about any link that comes to mind, no matter how distant it may seem. Tell yourself the truth.

I am worrying that Tucker will not do well this season. If that happens he will have more meltdowns. If he melts down I will be embarrassed and all of his love of the sport will die.  I am nervous about ski season. Driving to the races and confronting people who think I am a bad teacher. The worst part about Tucker have a tough season is that Sam might have another good season and I am comparing Tucker to him. I am jelous that he beat Tucker last year. I couldn't fully appreciate Tucker's success because I was always envious about Sam. I also feel guilty because I laid into Tucker about getting beat. Actually, I was fighting with Tucker about the money we wasted on Winter Term when we could have just done LinWood ski team. That is not true because we chose to do Winter Term because our kids loved skiing and we wanted to provide and outlet. I ruined ski racing for him by losing my job at Winter Term. I began drinking when Tucker lost his job at WVA. When Tucker would not teach math for me I was pissed. I am a pill when I don't get my way. My standard response is to make people choose. Me or them? Stay or go? If it doesn't go my way I run away and burn that bridge. The fact is that Tucker had success in several areas of racing last year. A great Super G series until the final race, solid SL races with a podium at Gunstock. I am also afraid these young racers will come up and beat him. And they might. That is part of the game just like Tucker beat the older kids a few times and how Sam beat Tucker a few times. The whole issue brings me back to the year I went crazy. 2019-20 at Winter Term was hard on Tucker. The boys were mean to him and I am sure it is because of me. Tyler blamed Tucker for things that happened to Dino. Why didn't they like him? Were they jealous? He is a good boy. He is a smart, funny kid. he has since said that he and Dino get along. Maybe it is just part of the pecking order. Tucker did not back down when it came to Dylan bullying him. All of these situations make me feel terrible. I handled them wrong because I hate confrontation. This is my sweet boy who was struggling with these other kids. I know Tucker did not do that stuff to Dino. Then when Tyler was standing over Tucker in a very imposing way it was scary, as scary as me throwing a hoverboard through the front window and coming toward Tucker. It was about feeling disrespected and ignored. I hurt my child. I can never get over it. I also hurt Cannon. He spit in my face and I pushed him down with my hands around his neck. I will never forgive myself for that. I have since told him to do it to me, to kill me if that is what will help him. Tucker was hurt many other ways during that time. He was having fun hanging out with Brody Hoover during Covid and one day he just disappears. What the hell happened? It was probably something Tucker said about the kids being in the garage without Tucker or anyone else around. It was so strange. What an awful year for Tucker. Then I blew up the next year. Jan 2022 Tucker screamed Fuck after he DNF'd at the Dowse, he walked home from the Kanc when he DNF'd, and at Easterns he had a little fit that Bucket told me about because a parent mentioned it or that might have been at the Proctor race between Eastern and Can-Am. At Can-Am he had another melt down I yelled at him and he threw his phone and broke it. He was crying in the shower and I felt terrible again. I was so anxious and I could not figure out how to help him. The next day we got a room at the fancy hotel so he could hang out with all the boys. Tucker needs to understand that all the boys are good racers. It is the one who makes the fewest mistakes who wins. I guess the whole ski issue is that it is my fault. Of course he is insecure. His brother, his mother, a friend, a teacher, and a peer ganged up on him and crushed him. Somehow Tucker needs to forgive Cannon and build that relationship again. It was funny the other day when he said he looks like Cannon. Yes he does. When Tucker swore at the Dowse and had to apologize, I felt anxious. You can't get that kid to do anything when he is in that mode. He got into the car and said let's go. He controlled me with his anger. I did not want anyone to see me get treated that way. I said let's get food then you have to go back. Dad called Bucket and asked him to come to the car and get Tucker which he did. Tucker apologized and that was the end of that. Campbell told me that Tucker believed Tucker Bell messed up his binding and that is why he DNF. I totally believe that! He was also fired up. I am afraid that what happened last year is that he got scared to dnf which made him ski slower. When he was free he was fast. Fast, fun, friends that is why he said he likes to ski. If you are having fun with your friends you will be fast. That last year of Winter Term Tucker got kudos because he filled out his goal sheet correctly. He said that he focuses on having fun with his friends after ski racing. Is it all my fault? Was it just a series of horrible things packed into a short time span? Does he feel like it is his fault that I lost my job? When he said last year that he just wanted things to remain the same. He loves routine. Those years were hard. I cared more about what other people thought than about protecting and defending my child. I just did not know how to handle the situation. We were desperate for money and I wanted everyone to be happy. What a mess. Then came Covid but that wasn't a terrible time. Cannon left for the Army and Tucker was ok about it. However when Cannon got kicked out Tucker was angry. He saw the impact it had on me and that is when I lost my mind. I can't deny that alcohol had a lot to do with many of my outbursts. How can I ever recover from all the pain I caused my family? How can I continue to drink alcohol when there is a 50/50 chance that I will be an ass after a few drinks? What options do I have? I feel like Tucker is growing. He was very happy to go to Austria. And the other day he asked if we could go shopping at WalMart. He bought a game for himself and one for Cannon for Christmas. I feel closer to him and he had a good soccer season. He was sweet at Thanksgiving although I was an asshole.