Day 19 Thursday August 27, 2026

 It occurred to me that being sober for a challenge feels like when I was pregnant. I did not drink. I did have a delicious mid-morning coffee with a chocolate chip pancake occasionally. I most clearly remember being pregnant with Tucker. It was the same with Cannon and Campbell; I was just busier. With Cannon, I was teaching classes, planning a wedding, and prepping for baby while trying to train for Boston. Then came the big road trip to Michigan and then on to our honeymoon out west. I don't remember wanting a drink. If it was there, I would have a sip, but big deal. I distinctly remember sitting at the pool in Utah, reading Jared Diamond and completely relaxing. I did not feel stressed or pressured. I feel a little like that now. I don't have a noose around my neck. 

When we went out to Michigan in June 2007, I don't recall getting stupid drunk or drinking during the day. I drank in moderation, not desperation. That is the shift. I did not need alcohol to have fun; I liked to have alcohol while having fun, but it wasn't necessary. I also did not feel the stress and anxiety I felt later. In March 2007, we went to Europe, and I did not feel the need to get drunk. Is it the kids that got me all crazy? We arrived in London, went to a pub, and got dinner and a drink. Tucker watched a soccer match, and I read a book and had a glass of wine. That was it.  Not a bottle, a glass, maybe two, but I doubt it. I hated spending all that money on a glass of wine. That was too extravagant. The rest of the trip, and the duration of my pregnancies, followed a similar pattern. To fill my time, I would relax with a book, go for a walk, drink coffee, and write in my journal. Wine enhanced and elevated the dining experience.  A beautiful glass, wonderful food, and ambiance. 

Exploring my pregnancies could provide insights into what I like. I cleaned, organized, read and journaled, researched, and cooked meals. Before Cannon, we started the Fat Flush healthy eating, with Tucker, I was taking classes, adjusting to TP, and taking care of Cannon. With Campbell, it was crazy. The two boys were really good. I think sometime between 2008 and 2010 is when things changed with Cannon, and I wasn't fully present to understand what had happened. Adding a third child and Cannon's changed behavior added stress and anxiety I hadn't known before. Plus, Tucker never thinks that anything is an issue. I had trouble lying or feigning ignorance when it came to things like going to Profile Club and other similar things. 

There is a feeling of expectation as well. I am not feeling great at this right now. Today I did get in 45 minutes of mobility and strength but not heavy like I need. 

I am still wondering about the glp should I? Shouldn't I? Just do it. But tomorrow? 

Tomorrow we take Tucker to UNH for his freshman year of college. He has matured and seems to be doing better. Although, I only need to go back a few months to see what happens with stress and fatigue. I haven't even started thinking about my lesson plans. There is time. I have 2 days then a few days to plan. 

1.40 to Linda's house leave 8:30 at arrive at 10:10

25 minutes to UNH leave at 11:15 arrive at 11:45

What about sour dough bread? stop at Islington Street Hannaford. 

Take Tucker to Lunch? Where to stop?

Honestly. I don't even want Moe's. Yuk. I will ask Nan if she wants to go to an early dinner but I should head home before it gets too late. What about my car? Dad and CC have to be back here by 5 so they need to leave UNH by 3 that is plenty of time. Unless they want to come back by Nan's to give her the present we got.

My plan up by 6:15  right out for 90 minutes, shower, and leave by 8:30