End week 3 day 21

 It has been a busy Saturday. Last night I took 12 units (ish) of the glp1. I have it; I spent the money, and I should see what happens if I take it when I am sober. This morning, while I was lifting heavy legs, I thought I was going to puke. I had totally forgotten about the shot. Perhaps it was the creatine, or the lack of sleep, or a million other things, but it was probably the shot. I woke up early because I was excited to get to the gym. I need to be realistic. Rather than start with a lofty goal, like lift 3 times a week, I should set the bar at 2 days a week. Getting to the gym on Saturday and Sunday is attainable. However, that is also my long run day. What to do?

I am reading a sober curious workbook. In the intro the author asks the simple question: what would actually change in your life if you drank less? Well I would be healthier. I would be able to keep the extra weight off and stick to a better diet. I would save money, be present with my family, say yes to doing things, and I would have more time. 

What would my family notice in me if I drank less? They would notice a happier, calmer, more engaged person. They would not walk into the room and find me passed out on the couch. They could ask me to drive them to a friend's house, and I would say, "Yes."  I would not argue as much. The house would be cleaner, although there would be more books lying around. Mom would notice I am not angry. I am listening to her, and engaging in a conversation. I am not self-centered and belligerently flying off the handle. I think before I speak. I still do impulsive things. I still get frustrated, I am not perfect, but I am able to catch myself before I dig a hole. 

write down everything about why I want a different relationship with alcohol

Alcohol is not a person, so I do not have a relationship with it. If I were to humanize it, I would say that it has a personality like me. It is funny at times and mean at times, very selfish in that it always has its way. That is why I would change my friendship with alcohol. It can't be counted on. I come over expecting a good time. Then after a drink, and another, maybe another, it turns on me. It makes me sad or mad. Alcohol is like Frances' friend Thelma. You have to be careful. Careful is not fun. Suspicion tells you that this friend could turn on you. Over time, you let your guard down. You begin to trust again and have a great time. Months go by, and the friendship gets closer. You are best friends, and you stop being careful. It is just the two of you. It's a Friday night. You put on a show, grab some snacks, pull down your favorite glass, and pour out your old friend. But then you realize nobody else is around. You have forgotten about everyone else. Where did your daughter say she was going? Didn't your son have a game? Your husband asked you to dinner, but you said you were too tired.  There you sit. Drink in hand, staring at a lame show, eating crappy food, alone. 

If alcohol brought friendships, laughter, connection, and community, I would not change a thing. In fact, sometimes I drink thinking I will be more social, or that it will feel like I am with people rather than lonely. The reason to change is that it interferes with my goals. It makes me tired, fat, and lazy. I am not my best when I am drinking. If I could wave a wand and drink only two nights a week, would I want to change? I don't know. Yes. I guess. Two of three glasses or drinks is usually the sweet spot. If I am watching tv I just don't pay attention to what is going into my mouth. I just keep going...down the hatch.